My life is an odd mixture of, "The Bell Jar" and through the looking glass! I am hurt and I am dying. Around April 30, 2012 I began to feel a runners stitch on my left side under my rib cage.
Very quickly the pain became unbearable, then shortly afterwards one afternoon I was rushed by ambulance to the Hospital. I had spleen and pancreatic cancer! This is my second bout with cancer and my last. I have chosen to refuse treatment or any surgery if and when it returns again. I have been told my chances are great that it will!
Strange to know I am hopping on my last leg!
I have learned a great lesson....
With this cancer many truths are apparent. Truth number one...When they ask you how you are feeling, they really are just being nice and in truth do not really care. They are just glad it's not happening to them.
Truth number two....Be ready to see people for who they really are. Be prepared to lose friends and even family.
Truth number three....Don't fall for the...."If you need anything just call me, It's all just a pocket full of mumbles.
I go to bed sick and wake up sick. It never ends. My worst days are the Chemo days. I go on Friday sit in a big chair, hold out my arm and ready myself for the toxic poisons to flow into my blood stream. By Sunday I am a complete wreck. I often ask myself if any of this is worth going through. I pray that I just die in my sleep. I do not know if I can go through this again.
to be continued....
Cancer is nothing if not created in hell. I have been living with it for years and did not even know. By the time the doctor is seeing me It's over. Three Months is what they gave me last time, 11 years ago, and I beat the odds.
Now I am faced with an even more serious problem. Once cancer metastises in any organ....well my friends you could be looking at a nightmare from which you can not wake. I am being told that I will be really lucky if I get another 5 years! I am praying they are wrong!
To be continued........
Sitting here day after day is driving me crazy. Some days I pray I never wake up so I don't have to face the day knowing I have this cancer.
Imagine that some one came to you and said, " Hey, I just found out someone has put a serious hit out on you". You wont know when or where but it WILL come and soon." How does one live with something like that hanging over their head? It is not easy!! In fact it is a nightmare from which you can not wake!
My only hope is the Lord, in fact He is all I have right now and I sit and wait for more treatment and tests. I can no longer drive or shop or visit, or any of the things I took for granted. The worst for me is not being able to properly clean my house or cook a meal. Dear God I hate this! Take this cup from me Lord, PLEASE!
So I will continue to wait on the Lord and pray He is merciful with mel
To be continued.......( I hope)
Last night I woke up screaming because I was sure I was having a heart attack. The pain in my chest shot all the way down to my hips, neck and jaw. What it turns out to be is the shot they gave me to raise my white blood count. Apparently it makes your bones hurt like crazy, but no one mentioned it would hit my sternum! I was litterally frozen in bed and all I could so was cry and scream out for help. Al came and gave me a pain pill. By then it was too late I was up for the day. Three am. is a lousy time to be awake. So I just sat in my chair and stared out the window into the early morning sky. When the light was enough and I was satisfied that It was safe to go out of my room and feed the dogs. I make my coffee and return to my chair and the little window.
People have no idea how lonely cancer is. You can be surrounded by freinds and well wishers, but you know you are alone. "Dieing is a lonly buisness." Perhaps that is where we get our saying, " There are no athiests's in a Fox hole!
People with cancer no this better than anyone.
to be continued......
Oh my O my....Second treatment of Chemo today but things are turning around. The cancer count was way down!
My God is astounding the doctors. My Oncologist almost didn't know me from how good I looked and my coloring was good too. GOD IS WORKING A MIGHTY MIRACLE IN ME! I don't know why but then again I am God's child. I pray this continues and I will be on the Outer Banks of NC for some well needed rest! Praise GOD! This is not about me at all but has always been about GOD. I am being blessed!
to be continued........
My behavior has been appalling these days. Begging God, crying, asking why me, for the first time in my life!
I do not know why this cancer is so scary to me. I've had it so much worse before. In fact I was only given three months to live! Where is my faith? What is happening to me? Why can I not feel God listening to me like I did before? Why am I feeliing so far away and abandoned by my Father in Heaven? I who saw real miracles right before my eyes. I who was a wittness to the weeping Madona when she first began to weep. I who stood before this picture looking for a logical reason and finding none. Where is my faith now? I am ashamed to be so afraid to die....what's that make me.....I guess human just like everyone else. All my years serving the Lord in Africa, doing right by people. trying so hard to make a difference. Reduced to a bawling baby! I am so angry with me right now, so you can imagine what God must be thinking about his daughter, me! I am praying for strength to get me through this and to understand and execpt that what ever the out come .......I will still come out the winner!
to be continued.....
I would love to hear from any of my readers. You can tell me anything and I will welcome your views.
I went for my so called shot today. They said I was there on the wrong day? That in fact I was suppose to come the following Monday? My Al was with me, we both heard her say this Monday. I guess it is not so important to worry about the fact that this Chemo place doesn't seem to know what is going on. Now I am scared! WOW, I don't want
to hurt anyone put anyone out of their comfort zone. So it is impossible to get help unless you pay and pay big time!
Missionaries have a very weak insurance but it was the best I could aford. So now Al works more hours longer days with less breaks in bettween. I get to sit and stare out the window for hours at a time. I try so hard not to think to keep my mind blank all the time. My only constant compainions are my two dogs who I love more than anything. They just never left my side from day one of finding out I had cancer again. These are two young dogs only 2 and 3 years old so there is a good chance they may out live me. Funny how they can pick up that something is just not right with me. So they sit or lay down next to me all day. It really isn't fair for them. I tried to find kids who wanted to earn some summer chash as dog walkers, but unfortunitly we live in an affluent area and the kids do not need my money. So I ask friends. Oh they come a few times and then disappear just like everyone does around cancer.
The one thing that got me through last time was I never thought about dying. Now this all I do? I have to stop it! Isn't the cancer torturing me enough by itself, must I add to it?
I just want to disappear! Cancer makes one lonely in ways only those who have it can really understand.
I came home so mad at the clinic for goofing me up again I came home and scrubbed my floors, vacuumed and picked up the house. If I just pretend in my head that I am fine then I will. I will not stop my normal life...I will not .stop playing with my dogs outside when I can....I will fight this with everything I've got. And if I have to stop and have a diarreah attack, I will simply go and get back to life. If I am tired I will stop. But I am not going to give up in this fight!
to be continued
Woke up last night really nauseated from the Chemo. That never happened to me like that 11years ago. So I have anti-nausea medication. I guess it helps some. I am so depressed today that I am still in my PJ's no bath not even brushed my teeth. I just feel so sad all the time now. I hate it because it chases people away from you. I have been alone most of my life but I have never felt this type of loneliness. I bet other with cancer can relate to that? It is a deep unfillable void inside me now. All I have is my room and my LORD! As an Orthodox Christian we grew up with Icons all over the place in each room and every corner. I even now have quite a collection, so I made a prayer station in front of my little window. So now when I look outside I can also be reminded I am not alone. Oh I have angels and saints a plenty! It does bring me comfort, it really does. I guessed I was raised this way and old habits die hard.
I have loved the Lord my whole life and wanted nothing more than to be HIS servant! Ask of me Oh Lord and how can I deny you? So I went to Africa amound the diseased and starving. It was almost overwhelming at first, but then you see the spirit of these people and it humbles you. Once at the age of 20 I decided I would serve in a convent and join the sisters. I even flew to Greece to the convents themselves. But somehow something told me to pray hard on this and wait for a true sign. Well, wouldn't you know that the moment I stepped foot inside the convent a little old nun came running at me and began to push me out telling me in Greek that I did not belong here! TALK ABOUT A SIGN!
So I returned home and floundered around for years but the ache in my heart never left me. I WANT TO SERVE MY LORD! It is that simple. Now I can either survive this cancer again, and serve here. Or I can leave for heaven and serve there, either way I win!
If some of you are praying people, please say a little prayer for me.
TO BE CONTINUED
Let's face it Chemotherapy is poison that kills cancer cells and you. There are long term side effects. And lucky me will be receiving a shot that increases white cells and lowers red cells so it will cause my bones to really hurt. I have a wonderful cane that I ordered since my balance left me. It has the head of a white rabbit. That cane has been with me in some of the hardest times. So I named him of course Harry. I also have pie and an Elephant cane but Harry is my favorite and it always makes children smile. I think I am some kind of a wizard, really sweet.
I am really scared because I never liked to suffer. I have given up all my suffering to the Lord for his Glory! I know that to suffer hard here only makes Heaven sweeter. I always said I would rather weep with the Saints than laugh with the devil.
All I have ever wanted to do in my life was to serve the Lord somehow. I am praying I will be given back some of my work for Him, some how. I try from now on to not ask God for things I need or want but rather I ask what can I do for you Lord today! How many of us really ask God what we can do for HIM while we have the honor to live here on His earth? I want to return to Africa, I want this more than anything, if only to see the children. I will not be able to work as before or stay as long which makes me sad...but God has a plan, I'm sure for me here in the USA. Perhaps working in Hospic as a volunteer. The most comforting thing some one said to me was, "Don't look at it as dying, but that you are simply going HOME!
On a brighter note ....We CAN do ALL things, through JESUS who strengthens me!
to be continued......
I didn't sleep well last night and I guess I won't be getting much sleep tonight either.
Chemotherapy is a cocktail of poisons they inject into your body to help kill cancer cells. What they do not tell you or show you what it does to a humans body and mind. We see bald ladies and pity them because we all know they are under Cheomotherapy. It goes a lot further than just the loss of hair. It causes unreversable nerve damage. It can effect your hands feet legs and arms. It can cause uncontrolable vomiting. But the worst of all of it is that it can plug you up and impact your bowels so bad it makes you pray for death. So I say I got a bit to think about. They will do five weeks of therapy then check my ca125 bood count if it is rising instead of falling, well then I am in for more aggressive treatments. Some can even kill you.
Am I afraid? I'd have to be the stupidest person in the world not to be. Yes, I am afraid. I do not like suffering.
But I do believe the more we suffer here on earth the sweeter heaven is going to be! My heaven will be a Disney World for me except it's all real!
I am a dying women writing a blog that no one really reads or expresses an oppinion on. I guess I write in this blog for me, to prove I am still here I am still in the game.
God is with me I know this and so I am not afraid....but I am sad how much this disrupts our lives. Not to mention how costly cancer is! Boy,let me tell you it is wildly expensive!
Well I suppose I may have something more to say in the following weeks. Sharing with you all....all the pain of cancer.
TO BE CONTINUED!
I am still sitting and waiting for something to happen. I look at it this way.... If the Lord is calling me home, than I pray I go in peace and with dignity. If you ask me, "Are you afraid". I would answer Oh Yes! I am terrified!
I have a cancer inside of me that is trying it's best to kill me, and all I can do is sit and wait. In less than 5 months I have aged greatly.This is what hell must feel like.
I am trying so hard not to give up, but I am so tired now. It is Monday and on Friday I get my first treatment. Chemo therapy sucks. I've been through this before when they told me I would only life for 3 to 4 months! No one believed I would survive. 11 years later the cancer has returned this time attacking my vital organs. I have to laugh because they have taken out so much out of my little body that I am almost hollow inside! I cry day in and day out and I spill my guts out on this stupid blog. Does anyone out there have any words of comfort??
I did so much for God by traveling all the way to Africa to help the dying children, was that not what HE wanted? Was it not enough Lord? There is so much more I can do in this life if you would only give me a chance.Please don't take me yet Jesus. Well now I guess I know how you felt when you knew you were going to be die. I am so sorry, I am so sorry for anything I have ever done that offended you in anyway. I love you Lord Jesus!
I don't like looking in a mirror because of all the weight I've lost, and I hate not having any of my clothes fit, not even my underwear fits me. I am down to skin and bones and that really scares me. I pray every night that God send me and angel. Well, as God as my wittness something very strange happened in my room around 3 am. Suddenly my entire room was filled with such a bright light it woke me and my dogs. Before I had a chance to see were the light was coming from it stoped and went black in my room again. I really don't know what to think of that because I know no one would believe me. So I only told Al and I will tell my priest.
to be continued.....
Today was not such a bad day. I even made my ceder chest into a prayer station for me to focus on.
We do love our candles. I guess it is sort of a small sacrifice, but I am not sure.
But no matter how I change things around me the thought of cancer comes creeping in my mind, and it all seems to fall to nothing. It is more than one little Makuwa can handle.I sometimes think I have actually lost my mind. I cry 50% of the day while trying to be distracted by something else so I wont think about it. In the begining I was picking out urns for my ashes. I wrote to friends and basically said goodbye. I went crazy screaming at God that he would allow this back in my life! WHY? WHY? WHY? Was I not loyal to your work in Africa? Did I not try my best to make a little difference in a childs life? So why now? WHY!!!!??????
God knows I still love him and will abide by His will and not my own. I guess we won't ever know why. I do not want to leave my family my Albert Oh God my Albert, what will happen to him Lord? He will be so lost without me. We have known each other since we were just little kids. Albert was always at my side and I thought always would be. I just wanted to grow old with him. It wasn't a lot to ask, but I guess God made a different plan for me. I give all my suffering and depression and fear to you O my Lord. Give me back my life!
It's the depression that hits the hardest. Now that I have very little pain there is more time to think,
and more time to keep my mind in the dark place. I didn't want or allow that kind of thinking with my first time with cancer. It seems now things have changed and I welcome the dark place it plays with my mind it's favorite game ..".live or die, our choice". I am begining to see the benefits of dying over fighting off cancer again. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't every penny we worked so hard for will be gone in a matter of months because of this cancer. I want my control back, I hate this feeling of free falling. Tiny little panic attacks that hit me all day long. I just can not do this another moment. I do not feel like me at all. I ask God why? over and over. Now I just pray he takes me fast, I woulld love that..
I am so alone inside all the time now. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I don't eat enough to keep a bug alive and have little to no appetite any more. And through all of this I just wish everyone would just leave me alone which is weird because for the most part of my life I am alone...it's just crazy. It's like I am an unwilling participant in a game show where I know for a fact I am going to lose, but not when I will lose. It's just all so horrible. Plus to hear from your doctors that you are at a very high risk of it returning again each time we kill one side the other side is being it's attack!
I often speak with my dear friends in Africa and I just love hearing their prayers and knowing someone out there is praying for me.
Even my own preacher could not get through my blessings without breaking down and crying! It was most touching moment but yet all I felt was a deep fear, Here is a man of the cloth who is crying over me? That is because he knows we would never see each other again. and we were great friends.
I hate this, it should just stop. I pray everyday that Jesus brings me home, not to make me linger on and on being eaten alive by cancer.
I am being told to go on a vacation to the beach...and perhaps that would have been a good idea but right now I don't want to leave my chair. If Lord you are listening to my prayers, come quickly and take me home soon very soon, or I will not be held responsible for what happens next.
to be continued...
My Oncologist seemed rather up beat but most times they are, especially before they drop a bomb on you. My Pet Scan came back pretty clean with no signs of tumors anywhere, but something funny is happeining either in my lungs or my heart. God I pray if it is something at all that it is in my heart so I can go home quickly to Jesus. Other than that she said I could go ahead and go to the beach for a couple of weeks. When I return they will start their treatments on me. OH JOY ( she said with a sarcastic tone )
I am just so tired all the time and moving about only reminds me of just how weak I have become in less than three months. I pray I will be well enough to make the trip. I will only go because if I don't go than no one will go, so I spoil everyones Summer, so I am going it give it my best to feel better.
I am also so sick of being in the house all day staring out my windows. The only time I have to go out is to let the dogs out to pee. I am now at the point that when I let out my dogs I go out in my PJ's and I don't care anymore who sees me. I have dropped so much weight that I have to safety pins to hold up my pants. I look like a kid wearing my sisters old hand me downs. Everything is huge on me. I can not imagine I was ever that chubby. I guess losing 25 pounds in less than a month should have told me something was really wrong. (What a Jerk) I am at times.
I know because I asked my doctor if I will from now on be fighting some kind of cancer in me for the rest of my life.
I once heard a doctor say I will be lucky if I get another 5 years of life left me.
I feel really strange inside these days...It's like tiny panic attacks that hit every so often. Like when some you really love has died and just before you wake up in the morning you forget that the person is gone! Then it hits you...bam right in the heart. It is sort of like that. It's like I forget how close I am to leaving this world and then it all hits me.
I am trying my best to stay up beat, I even am planning to get my hair cut and colored! At this point I don't see what the point will be other than for a couple of weeks while on vacation I won't be hiding my head under all these scarves and hats. It will probably be my last trip to get my hair done for a long time.
Everyday when I look in the mirror after a shower and can see how bad the scars are and how skinny and saggy I have become, it's like I am looking at someone else. I just look like death mourned over already!
So tomorrow I will go see my Oncologist and after seeing the possitive results from the Pet Scan, we will finally know how this should be treated. After that massive Cyst burst and all those poisions came pouring out, I must admit to feeling a bit better. I do not understand and I am being honest is....why am I still here? I screamed in the Name of Jesus Christ to take me home...I even scared my dear friend into believeing God would take me....thing was, I was not kidding. I wanted to die like I never had in all my life. I really think if I had a gun with me I would have just shot myself in the head. Like they do with horses and live stock that is sick and suffering.
I watched my husbands eyes looking into my eyes with such a pitiful look as if to say, I can't fix this, nor stop it, in any way! I never want to see such helplessness in his eyes like that again. What it must have been like for him, I alway wondered if I could have stood there and watched the one human I love more than life, suffering like that.
I honestly believe something inside of me broke in those days. I am very depressed and I am regretting with everything that is in me that I just did not die. NOW SEE, I have to go through this a third time...who can go through that a third time? Well it is not me,Christian or no I will never suffer like that again and I pray God understands that kind of thinking. I really never once believed that suiside was a sin,Especially when there is suffering involved. To kill yourself because you had a bad date or that kids make fun of me these are just troubled souls...but when you have human beging screaming for relief and none comes or what comes is not enough. I always thought that was funny that they would worry about giving out drugs to the dying ever so carefully as if someone is keeping track to make sure you just not some junkie looking for a fix!!! Come on people when a person is told they have two large masses in their spleens and pancreas and you just had surgery to remove the spleen and half the pancreas....and all they can think about is do we really want to give her this much medication??
to be continued
So little by little I watched my stomach swell up in one spot over the belly button nearly the size of a golf ball. Well, yesterday after church this this popped open! The stuff that oozed out nearly made me throw up. I woke up this morning even sicker than before? All my bones ache and the doctor wants to see me this afternoon to give me the results of ALL of my tests. Now I really don't feel so good. My sister in Florida is driving me nuts, her answer to everything is go to the Emergency room now! If she understood how many times I was put in an emergency room you would think I was lying. As good Ol Doctor Phil would say .....this aint my first rodeo. I know what happenes to the body when cancer tries to kill you. I am just not so nervous anymore because it just makes things worse. But beleive you me if it is bad news ......talk a few giant steps back........I don't know what will happen, I may acturally lose it!
To be continured
I am so tired of waking up sick and going to bed sick......I am sick of all the tests I will have done in the next few weeks. As good ol doctor phil says, this aint my first rodeo. No in fact this will be the second battle for my life. This time it is too real even for me. I do not want this in my life right now. I just want it gone!!
I already beat the constipation and all the impaction that goes with cancer, and one of the most painful parts of it.
I am so grateful for that....I do not want to die just yet Lord.....I had so many great plans and now everything is once more on hold!
I hate cancer and I hate what it has done to me. It isn't loosing my hair or the weakness but to be honest it is the pity looks I get from strangers. Yep, they know you have cancer simply by looking at your lack of hair.
I am not afraid of dying, why should I since after all it is what I teach while in Africa. That death is never the end! In the mean time the loneliness of cancer eats you up inside, leaving you with little to nothing to say.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Yep, 11 years without one single twinge of pain or that the possablity something isn't right going on inside me? But NO....It was Happy Birthday Oh and your Cancer is back!! But, not just the usual back...... but in the spleen and pancreas already in the third stage!
Had the surgery,( and for you guys out there thinking this should be a snap)......dream on my friends. NEVER HAD PAIN LIKE THAT EVER! I will not be returning to Africa because this time I can barely help myself out of a chair.
So now tomorrow I go for my first Pet Scan....scared is putting it mild.... all I want with all my heart and soul is to hear we found nothing more in your little body....so let's go ahead and try and kill this sucker, before it kills you!
Previous PostsI'm not here anymore, posted July 18th, 2013
Looking into the face of death!, posted September 29th, 2012
whoa! back up!, posted September 2nd, 2012
Some days I am jealous of a simple heart attack!, posted September 1st, 2012
OH boy, now what is this Lord?, posted August 31st, 2012
MY Oh MY, posted August 24th, 2012
Sure even good Christians have doubts...but we don't let it stop us!, posted August 21st, 2012
you shy?, posted August 20th, 2012
They say bald is in for the fall season...., posted August 20th, 2012
are you my nurse?, posted August 18th, 2012
Chemotherapy just like the term water boarding doesn't sound that bad, posted August 17th, 2012
Chemotherapy tomorrow, posted August 16th, 2012
days are turning into months, posted August 13th, 2012
It's time to stand up, posted August 10th, 2012
things that cancer does to ones mind, posted July 23rd, 2012
and still more to come, posted July 22nd, 2012
what is this now?, posted July 19th, 2012
NOW WHAT IS THIS STUFF?, posted July 16th, 2012
ouch, posted July 11th, 2012
Good bye to the Little Makuwa hello Cancer, posted July 10th, 2012
ON THE ROAD TO HEAVEN, posted May 10th, 2012
Leaving Africa, posted March 20th, 2011
The Little Makuwa .....the end, posted July 9th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ....part 59, posted June 28th, 2010
The Little Makuwa...add note to readers, posted June 25th, 2010
The Little Makuwa .....part 58, posted June 25th, 2010, 2 comments
the Little Makuwa.... Part 57, posted June 24th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ....part 56, posted June 20th, 2010
The Little Makuwa...part 55, posted June 18th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 54, posted June 16th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....added note, posted June 14th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 53, posted June 13th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 52, posted June 12th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ....part 51, posted June 11th, 2010
The Little Makuwa...part 50, posted June 10th, 2010
The Little Makuwa...part 49, posted June 9th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 48, posted June 9th, 2010
The little Makuwa....part 47`, posted June 8th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....Part 46, posted June 6th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 45, posted June 5th, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 44, posted June 2nd, 2010
The Little Makuwa.....part 43, posted May 31st, 2010
The Little Makuwa .....part 42, posted May 29th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ....part 41, posted May 26th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ....part 40, posted May 26th, 2010
The Little Makuwa ...part 39, posted May 24th, 2010
added note to the Little Makuwa, posted May 22nd, 2010
The Little Makuwa...part 38, posted May 22nd, 2010
The Little Makuwa .....part37, posted May 21st, 2010
The Little Makuwa....part 36, posted May 20th, 2010
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